So Rizzo the Rat is exactly that... a dirty, sneaky, evil rat.
It's all about how he can use other people to make himself look better, look more important, look like he has a clue what he's doing.
He doesn't. He just wants to look that way.
In the "Hierarchy of Pompous Asses" that lurk in the shadows, skulking around to make life for all at the Muppet Daily News as difficult as possible, Rizzo is an underling. He likes to think of himself as "The Hatchet Man."
I like to think of him as he is... a clueless, pompous rat. The kind even other rats don't like because he makes them look bad.
So today Rizzo threw me under the proverbial Rat-bus. Something I had taken to him back in December, he was going to follow up on and didn't. Now, when the rat-crap starts hitting the fan, he feigns Rat-amnesia and puts it all back on me.
Why?
Because he's a rat. Always will be.
And today, I got a royal nasty butt-chewing by the evil bean-counter.
The one that sits even closer to the right hand of "Oz" than Rizzo.
(think of an ungodly person, with a god-complex ... a cross between Scrooge McDuck ... if that was a Muppet ... and Ebenizer Scrooge ... that's our Oz.)
So I got the butt-chewing from the bean counter (Oooh, pardon me, VICE PRESIDENT OF BEAN COUNTING), for something that was Rizzo's screw up.
And I let it happen.
Why? Not out of the goodness of my heart. Where Rizzo and VPofBeans is concerned, I don't have a heart.
But because, if I told VPoB the truth, he'd go back to Rizzo. Rizzo would deny everything.
Then I'd be on the VPoB's schnitzel list AND in the crosshairs of Rizzo.
So I fell on my muppet-sword, took the hit, whatever you want to call it.
It was difficult to do.
Infuriating, actually.
But it was probably the wisest decision.
The lesser of two evils, when dealing with evils.
And those two are.
Still waiting to see the backlash, once the drama-level fades from the VPoB.
Who knows.
And through it all, trying to keep it quiet... not because it's such an issue.
Just trying to keep Pepe the King Prawn out of it.
Because Pepe is so far up Rizzo's butt, he can see his tonsils the hard way.
Pepe wants to grow up to be Rizzo.
Proving what an idiot prawn he really is.
What I really need is the patience to ride it out, a schnitzel-deflecting machine, and a winning lottery ticket, so I can walk away from this idiocy.
Computers are wonderful tools in the hands of the right people.
Statler and Waldorf are not the right people.
They should not be allowed to touch anything even related to a computer because, well, they don't understand how it works, they don't ask if they don't know (before they start hitting buttons), and even when you explain the most basic task, as soon as the explanation ends it is forgotten.
Today at the Muppet Daily News, Waldorf had to print the subscription renewal postcards.
It's not like she really has to do anything high tech.
There is a printed sheet of instructions ... exactly what to hit, when to hit enter, etc.
No thought. Just following directions.
Then she has to print the postcards.
Again, written out instructions that tell her, step by step, how to do it .. including the most basic steps, such as "1. Put the postcard paper in the printer."
Okay, let's be honest... she messed up starting with step one (above).
Yes, really.
Then the postcard stock keeps sticking... a combination of it being thicker than regular paper and the average humidity level here being around 95 percent.
If it sticks (and yes, this is on the instruction sheet), you open the paper drawer, close the paper drawer, and hit the button labeled "OK."
Simple enough?
One would think.
One would be wrong.
Nothing is so simple that Waldorf can't screw it up.
Today, she took that to an all new level.
She would get the order wrong (open drawer, hit 'ok', close drawer).
She would hit the wrong button, changing what was on the digital menu (which, until she hits the wrong thing, actually reads "Hit OK").
Then, when she hits the wrong button, the printer goes off into Never-Neverland, printing other things. Mostly this 3-page program thing, built into the printer.
So she did the only "logical" thing... she turned the printer off.
Okay, logical in HER mind.
She can't find a big button labeled "OK" but she can find the power button, which isn't labeled and is built flush to the front of the printer?
Then, because she did that mid-batch of printing postcards, she has to REprint the entire batch.
It's like "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
Because when she restarts, it will restick, and she will repeat the same mistakes.
And she did.
Three times.
That's three times after I reviewed the written instructions with her, reviewed WHICH button (Oh, the LABELED one?) is the "OK" button, and what she should NOT hit.
It'd be much less stressful to do it myself.
But I won't.
Because the first time I do it, it becomes MY job, not hers.
And I already have too many jobs.
So I'll just buy more Excedrin, hide the sharp objects, and try to come up with a standby, unflappable alibi ...
... for the next time she has to print these things again.
Like I said... some people should never touch computers.
Waldorf is a prime example of "some people."
She'd probably screw up the Etch-A-Sketch too.
no, really, she would.
Today, the Muppet Daily News appears to be suffering through an epidemic of AMD (Aggressive Muppet Disease).
The symptoms?
Well, you know that old adage, "The Customer is Always Right"?
Yeah, not so much here today.
Someone called with a subscription delivery problem.
The problem? They're not getting their paper.
So Waldorf got the call.
Usually Waldorf isn't here on Fridays, but she came in this morning because she will be out Monday morning ... and her work load (Umm, an hour's worth of work at most?) would be too much on Monday, if she comes in late.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Back to the call...
The customer called because they aren't getting their paper.
Waldorf told them "Well you paid in March, so you're paid up, so you need to call your post office. It's their fault."
(said rather aggressively, I might add, in a very "how dare you think we did it" tone).
Simply put, the Muppet Daily News does battle with the post office all the time - as does any newspaper that uses the mail.
The post office (the sorting centers, not the individual towns) throw the mail sacks into the corner, til they "get around to it."
Sometimes folks get their papers in two days, three days ... a week and a half.
Depending on the post office's mood.
But I digress... the key issue is Waldorf and how she handles customers.
She has no people-skills whatsoever.
When customers call for simple things, they are no longer simple if Waldorf gets the call.
Complicated things? She can't figure them out.
Even other Muppet coworkers go out of their way to NOT ask questions when Waldorf is here.
Instead they hold them until she isn't here to screw things up.
Waldorf is a sweet person ... but worker-bee she is not.
Not by a long shot.
So Janice (another Muppet ... think of the Muppet Rock Band) ... called and got Waldorf ... (SURPRISE!) ... and got so frustrated trying to get Waldorf to give a simple answer, she hung up... and promptly called back, asking for ME.
Waldorf answered that call, and then got snitty with Janice, because she called asking for me.
So now we have a Muppet snit-off.
Throw in a few snitty advertising Muppets (let's pretend shock that Pepe the King Prawn inserted himself into the middle of everything that has nothing to do with him) and yes, we have an epidemic.
AGGRESSIVE MUPPET DISEASE.
There are days I really dislike when no one else is here (AT ALL, Literally) ... but then I have days like today ...
I have a lot to get done.
A huge amount of work to get done.
Waldorf keeps asking me questions.
Many are questions that have nothing to do with her ... like "what's that?" "What are you doing?" "Is it always this quiet?" "Where is (insert other Muppet name)?"
Nothing that has anything to do with anything.
I'm trying to smile through it all.
I'm fighting off an onset of AMD.
I refuse to fall victim to their moods.
At least I'm trying....
I rolled into the offices of the Muppet Daily News exceptionally early this morning ... like two hours before I had to be here.
Insomnia is annoying, but hey, I might as well make use of the time, peace and quiet, right?
So when I got off the elevator and rounded the corner, I saw the door to the advertising department's office standing wide open, lights a-blazing.
I knew, before I even checked, that it wasn't because one of the Ad-Muppets was here.
Hellz bellz, they don't even show up when they're supposed to be here. They're certainly not going to show up early.
No, no, once again (third time in two months, at least), a "highly complex" duty -- closing the door when they left last night -- was far too complicated for them to grasp.
I honestly don't mind if they want to leave their door open ... if their stuff gets stolen ... I really don't care.
But that office connects to the graphics department and the editor/publisher's office ... both of which have higher end equipment in them -- including at times a great deal of camera equipment -- and the Muppets in those offices lock their doors when they leave ... so I think they'd appreciate a little help from Ad-Muppets.
Mind, it's not a high risk building, but it is a building with offices for many different businesses, and we have no control over the comings and goings on any of the floors. Our only defense is closing/locking our office doors when we leave.
Kind of like we would do in our homes. Really not tough to do. It's a door. Close it.
Which brings me to later today ... I had to be out of the office for work-related business from about 9:30 a.m. to just before noon.
There are 9 other people that SHOULD be here working today.
When I left, several of them were here.
I told them I was leaving. I told them I didn't know when I'd be back.
I left.
When I returned ... I found every single office door unlocked and wide open.
And every single Muppet was not to be found.
None.
Nada.
Not a soul.
Or not even one of the soul-less.
I could get worked up about it ... but why bother?
I just can't fathom how it never occurred to even one single Muppet to think "Hmmm, no one else is here. I should wait a little while til someone gets back."
Or maybe "Hmmm, no one else is here. I should probably close our office door."
Because, honestly, that's what I'd do.
Actually, I'd be Option-A ... if no one else was here at all, and we were open for business, I'd stay (barring life threatening reasons) until someone else was here.
And if I couldn't stay, I would absolutely have closed and locked the door ... put up a "be right back in XXX minutes" sign ... not just walked away and leave all the office equipment (including all MY camera equipment) for the taking.
Thankfully, nothing was taken that I know of.
Nothing of mine was taken.
I don't really care about anyone else's.
Well, other than Fozzie's.
Yeah I'd like his stuff to not get stolen too.
Otherwise, have at it folks.
If they don't care about it, why would I?
And obviously they don't.
Fozzie is a cranky bear today.
Oh, who are we kidding? Fozzie has been a cranky bear, largely, for the past few months or more.
If we're really, really honest, Fozzie Bear has been cranky since Oct. 30, 2012.
That's the day after Hurricane Sandy took out the Muppet Daily News' building.
There have been "up" moments - moments of the usual Fozzie Bear behavior - since then, but they have been few and far between.
And right now, Fozzie is hitting an all-time low.
He's off the charts on the grump-o-meter.
Part of it is long-term isolation - he lives at the end of the hall here at the Muppet Daily News and, despite multiple times he and we have pointed out he needs to get out of his bear-cave down there, he sits, he lives in isolation, he broods.
You know "Here's a solution, but I'm not going to do it, because that would eliminate my excuse to be a crabby s.o.b."
Of late, anyway, there is an additional reason for Fozzie's being a bear. (okay, grumpy as a non-Fozzie-bear).
Fozzie has empty bear-cave syndrome.
The youngest cub has gone off to bear-school, and Fozzie doesn't deal with this well.
We all know this, because this is the third cub to go off to bear-school.
So knowing the reason, we'll do our best to cut Fozzie a break ... for a while anyway. We will let him wallow in his crabby-bear-ness.
He gets a week.
Then he needs to pull up his big-bear-pants and move on.
Because his miserable mood is (a) contagious; (b) impacting what everyone else does here; (c) affects his - and thus our - workload and work schedule.
Now as far as his long-term crabbiness? There is a cure. It's a fairly easy cure.
But he'll just keep ignoring it and grousing and growling at us instead.
Maybe it makes him feel better to not only be miserable, but to share that with the rest of us.
So far that hasn't worked out so well for him ... but Fozzie will do what Fozzie decides to do.
As long as he doesn't expect me to buy a ticket on the crabby-train next to him ....
Much like stupid (and he's not that), you can't fight someone determined to be a miserable, crabby old bear.
Pepe the King Prawn is a very selfish shellfish.
It's what he wants, when he wants it, regardless of anything else ... like the fact that it's not his computer
not his printer
not his business
not his job
not his desk... shall I continue?
When I left the Muppet Daily News office Saturday afternoon - after working my day off, but I digress - Everything was hunky dorry and set up for Statler and Waldorf, who had to work Monday (I was off for Labor Day ... they were off Friday).
So before I walked out the door Saturday afternoon, I made sure everything was set up the way they needed it to do their work.
The computer was on the screen they needed.
The printer was working fine.
I left Scooter instructions to let them into the building (because of the holiday, the main door was locked and, despite several lessons, the "security code" entry falls outside the realm of what they can handle)
Taking the time to do that, I knew (ha!) everything was going to be fine and dandy while i was out, and no Muppet-headaches this morning.
WRONGO!!!!
I would have been correct in my guess ... but I didn't factor in the Pepe-factor.
Pepe the King Prawn rules the world.
Well, in his head he does, but since he is all-knowing, he believes we believe he rules the world too.
We smile and nod a lot at Pepe. He's "special."
But Monday, Pepe took it upon himself to work at MY desk, on MY computer, and change how everything was set up to print to MY printer.
Why?
Because he's Pepe, the King Prawn and that entitles him to do it.
(I think that's how he justifies it in his head).
Besides, if he isn't working at screwing up my computer and printer, how can he subtlely search through everything on my desk?
You know.. because National Muppet Security is at risk, yanno.
(Pepe is not only the King Prawn ... he's also a delusional Prawn).
I'd get offended by the searching of my desk, but why bother?
It won't help.
It won't make him stop.
It won't make anyone else make him stop.
If anything, I think if he wants to search through my desk, he should have to file everything he touches.
Fair enough? I think so.
So Pepe the King Prawn, while "working" at my desk, reconfigured the printer so that it doesn't print from the proper paper-source.
He made it print from where HE thought it should.
(The paper-source was changed by us for a reason ... this old fossil printer ... circa 2001? ... wore out the paperfeed Pepe switched it back to ... so we had to redirect ... but what do we know? We're not King Prawns.)
Pepe also decided to run random reports he will never look at and - despite being asked multiple times - left the computer mid-report.
Statler and Waldorf don't know how to get the computer back to the program they use from Pepe's report screen. He knows that. He didn't care. He left it there. He does that all the time. He's the King Prawn, after all....
Which meant this morning, I had to scramble to get Statler and Waldorf's data entry put into the computer ... because they couldn't do it yesterday (thanks to Pepe) and they work at the rate that paint dries, so if I wanted to get to do MY job before lunch, I had to do theirs first.
But that's okay ... I really didn't NEED to do my work.
What Pepe the King Prawn wanted is much more important.
Because he's that special.
He's a legend in his own mind.
